


A Most Sturdie & Handsomely-Crafted Contraption

by kurage



Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Bondage, Crack, Kink Meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-02
Updated: 2010-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-24 20:15:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurage/pseuds/kurage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur writes a product review. Exactly as cracky as it sounds, if not crackier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Most Sturdie & Handsomely-Crafted Contraption

**Author's Note:**

> A BRIEF NOTE OF EXPLANATION (WITHOUT WHICH THIS FIC WON'T MAKE MUCH SENSE): This was written in response to [this prompt](http://community.livejournal.com/kinkme_merlin/7746.html?thread=5093698#t5093698) at [kinkme_merlin](http://community.livejournal.com/kinkme_merlin/), although it's doubtless not what the OP was looking for. One anon noticed that the [product reviews for the bondage device in question (NSFW)](http://www.extremerestraints.com/pr/the-doggy-style-locking-spreader_65.html) were, erm, _interesting_ , and it occurred to me that a review written by Arthur couldn't be any odder than, say, the review that mentions the neighbor's German Shepherd. (Yes, that story goes exactly where you're afraid it does. No, I am not making this up.) I started typing, and before I knew it, _this_ had popped out. Long story short, if Arthur wrote a product review for a spreader bar, this is what it might look like. I swear, it made sense to me at the time.

I found [this](http://www.extremerestraints.com/dungeon-furniture_18/the-doggy-style-locking-spreader_65.html) to be a most sturdie & handsomely-crafted Contraption -- in troth, well beyond what the smithies of our faire Camelot could manufacture. The regularitie of the edges & niceness of the Lock and Hinges is truly a Marvell, & 'tis all done with nary a mark from the Hammer! I cannot but suspect Sorcerie.

Nonetheless, I shall suffer myself to overlooke these dread suspicions, for the Contraption has proved itself a great boon in the Discipline & Correction of a certain Manservant in my household, whose habitually tardie & insubordinate ways pose no less a threat to my Princely Dignity than the most foule Witchcraft.

Just yesternoon, the Manservant in question had the temerity to spill an entire bowl of jellied Quinces on my second-best Tunic, & then blame me for "distracting him," as if a mere Pinch on the Arse were any excuse for such poxy Clumsiness. I told the Boy that he would not endure on the tourney field for the space of a moment, to which he offered further Impertinence by inquiring whether 'twas the usual practice for Knights to pinch their Comrades' Arses. He then insinuated that he should very much like to see certain of my Knights pinch my Arse, & commit various & sundrie other Outrages upon it as well, any one of which would be an unutterable affront to my Royal Person, even if the Boy did word his deranged Fantasie most cleverly. I dismissed my Manservant with a promise of due Punishment, although he shew not the least signe of Concern.

Upon the morn, I undertooke to chastise my Manservant properly, though he did not seem to recall that he was owed Discipline. He dropped his trousers quickly enough when ordered, no doubt imagining that I would bugger him before breaking my fast, as is my custom. When he discerned my true intentions, he began to struggle, but being of Peasant stocke, he is gangly & unsuited for contests of Strength. I handily secured him in the Contraption, & though he protested at great length, his cries were muffled by my Bedding. I paid him no heed, for the readiness of his Cock gave lie to his Complaintes.

Although the Contraption is indeed cunningly fashioned, it sadly does not afford convenient access to its inmate's Mouth. One of my Manservant's few natural talents is his skill at sucking Cock, which he does with the hunger of a man long starved. I had thought to find my first Release of the day between the Boy's pretty Lips, but before he had done much more than kiss the Crown of my Manhood, he complained of a crick in his Neck. Being a faire & gentle Master, I forthwith turned my attentions to his Backside, which was indeed most prettily displayed & positioned for my delectation.

After some span of time spent pinching & slapping & biting, the entire expanse of my Manservant's Buttocks was as red as his eager little Hole, which seemed as though 'twere begging for a Kiss. Being a Man of generous Disposition, I graced it with just that. Though having been tickled by my Tongue for but a few scant minutes, my Manservant was soon sobbing & begging to be firmly buggered, as is his wont, for he is in troth something of a Slattern. I paused only long enough to grease my Cock before plunging it into his Arsehole, which was laid bare for the plundering by the wide angle of his Legs & Knees. Being well-practiced at this particular Diversion, I pushed directly against that hidden Nubbin that drives my Manservant into convulsions of Ecstasy. (Perhaps it is an oddity of Peasant Physiologie? I shall have to make [inquiries of Gaius](http://kurage-no-fic.livejournal.com/62998.html?thread=347670#t347670).)

Because the Contraption permitted him neither to touch himself nor to rub himself against my Bedclothes, my Manservant was obliged to promise me the full Respect appropriate to my Rank & Station before I condescended to see to his satisfaction with my Hand. He did pay me several grievous insults before, during, & after said Promise was extracted, but compleat Discipline is not achieved in a single Day. I was willing to forgive the Boy his Insolence out of my Gratitude for the tight grip of his inner muscles when he reached his peak.

However, as I sternly reminded him, he had not yet done his full Penance. His Pleasure had left him limp, so 'twas no great work to maneuver him such that his Face was pressed against the dampness of his own Seed. Although he seemed on the verge of resuming his customary Grumbling, the threat of the Gag -- together with a stout wooden Phallus stuffed into his leaking Hole -- soon had him moaning quietly into the Linens. I was forced to see to my own morning Toilette, but this was no great hardship, as I receive little enough assistance in this task even when my Manservant is not bound & prone on my Bed. Before parting from the Boy to attend to my morning Duties, I promised to make use of him once again during my midday meal. I fully expect to find my Manservant suitably penitent when I return to my Chambers several hours hence.

With the aid of this ingenious Contraption, I am resolved to once & for all break my Manservant of his thrice-damned Contumeliousness. (Though I know that Sisyphus himself would be unequal to such a Labor, the doing of it is not unpleasant.) 'Twas worth every Farthing I spent on it, though I do feel that the cost of transporting it from the barbarian nation of its origin was unreasonably dear.

Four out of five Stars ('twould be four & a halfe, were finer gradations of Measurement available).

  
  
  
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